Ace Rides Again!

Ladies, gentlemen, Flitter-lovers all. I apologise from the depths of my soul for the lack of activity on this site. I know you've hungered for more JF-lovin', as we all have these past moons, but I am back to assure you that the drought is over. OVAH! Ace Ventura 3 (AVJ) is upon us. We all felt the sting when we found out that it wasn't hitting theatres, and then other blow when it missed out on any Oscar noms, but there is good news, the DVD will be out March 3rd, and in a deluxe, double disc package no less. Who knows what kind of Flitter-branded treasures we'll find on the bonus disc! Perhaps a sing-along-with-Ace featurette! I'm hankering to see the long lost footage of Josh's audition where he reportedly stripped naked and wrestled a shetland pony in mud, thinking this would secure the role for Jim Carrey's spawn. I've got insiders at the DVD pressing factory in New Mexico which Warner Bros. shares with Low Ball's Beef And Yak Scraps n' Offcuts Emporium who will hopefully get me a copy of the DVD asap. More when we have it.

Keep the faith,

Dave (Head Freak)

For All The Freaks...

Fear not Freaks. Everything is fine in the world of Flitter. I'm just in Hollywood at the moment, on the set of the new E! True Hollywood Stories: The Josh Flitter Saga (Sex, Pies and Date Rape). Should be a ripper of a half hour of Infotainment!

We must never lose hope, we must never lose sight of our dreams. We must never lose weight.

- Josh Flitter

Happy Birthday Josh!!

OMGZ! Didn't you hear? It was Josh's birthday on Monday! Sorry I didn't blog it then, y'all. I was camped out by the phone in case Flitterelli decided to call me for a chat. And Tuesday I was in hospital for bladder spasms as a result of not leaving my post next to the Flitter Fone.

Anyway, if you've got any birthday messages for JF, send them through! I'll be passing them along to him when I do my weekly post to him. Last week I sent him a roasted boar. I bet he luvvvved it! HEE HEH!

Happy Birthday you little sack of sugar! I made you a card.

Inside Josh's House. It Should've Been Me

Fucking bitch.

Flitter Vs Breslin #2

Shit. Look at this. Spencer Breslin goes bald for the new kids comedy Harold. It should have been Flitter!! GAHH!

You just wait until Flitter's death blow in the inevitable Jumanji 2: The Return Of The 'Manji! Just wait!

AVJ In Your Ear(s)

With the juggernaut that is Ace Ventura Junior picking up steam ahead of its budget bin release early next year, it's prime time to consider some of the other intricacies involved in putting together this multi-layered masterpiece. I want to throw open the topic of who the producers should get to score Ace Ventura Junior. A great score is essential and here are some great ideas I've thought could really bring this pet-crime caper to life on screen.

The RZA


He supposedly has a great 'fart tone' preset on his Roland sampler.

Journey

Sure they broke up, but they would really make something anthemic and weighty for the movie. And we know that the Flitter-Bomb is exactly that.

Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band
'nuff said.

B*Witched


Nothing says zoological comedy like Rollercoaster. In fact it screams it.

The Guy Who Wrote Tubthumping


Could we possibly get a re-record of that and change the words to 'he eats a ham roll, he eatsn a bacon roll, he eats a sausage roll, he eats a chicken whole'? Jus' sayin'.

New Flitter Freaks Segment: Josh With Animals

Our sizeable stud, Josh Flitter really loves animals. Like, something chronic. I don't know where the obsession comes from, but maybe it's just Josh's way of making up for losing out on a spot in the Shaggy Dog to that damn Spencer Breslin. It should've been Flitter's!

But no matter, Flitter's got more than enough four-legged pals to accompany him on many clunky Tim Allen-esque capers! Let's take a look at some of them in a little segment we like to call Flitter's Fury Friends: Josh With Animals.

[Josh with 'Ace Mutt' (the dog)]

[Josh with 'Mr. Fluffy Bum']

[Josh with 'Trixxy Licks']

[Josh with 'Ocean McCuddles III']

[Josh with 'Dinner']

Flitter: Hero or Villain?

Many Flitter Freaks out there have been ringing and writing in to this humble blog with confused hearts. They've just seen this frankly disturbing image of Flitter kicking what appears to be an infant in the head.
Here's a sample email from our dear reader Bernice (aka Flitter Freak #31).

"Hi Head Freak,

I woke up today with Josh on the brain. He was the first thing I saw (since I've just mounted that JF blow-up glamour shot on my bedroom roof), he was the first thing I touched (Josh Flitter Ltd Edition hair brush - with pure camel hair), and he was the first thing I ate (I'm still holding onto those cartons of discontinued JF's cereal 'Flitter-Os'). But I was shocked to see this image pop up in my inbox this morning! What does it mean? Did Josh really kick a baby? What's happened to my hero?

Help me.

Flitter Freak #31"

I don't blame Bernice for her frantic mood, this was a difficult image to look at. But thankfully I have good news! For all of us out there who model ourselves on Josh Flitter we need not start pummelling every baby we see, no, apparently it was a doll. Phew! Allegedly, Josh got a bad vibe from the doll on the set of License To Wed, this was confirmed when Flitterelli then saw the aforementioned 'doll' staring, wide-eyed at the buffet table specifically reserved for our hungry hunk. Bitch deserved it.

Rest easy guys, our Josh is still a hero.

Poll! What Poorly Considered Jim Carrey Sequel Should Flitter Star In Next?

It's time to have your say all you Flitter-Freaky dudes and dudes pretending to be chicks on MSN out there! What with the success of Ace Ventura Jr (AVJ) already sweeping the box office - this baby's not even out yet and already the midnight screening tix have sold out in Kuwait! - the question has arisen of which Jim Carrey film from the '90s should be remade/sequelized next (obviously starring our heavy-set hombre Josh Flitter, duh!).

See the options - complete with probably synopsis' - below and then get voting!!

A) The Cable Kid

Flitter steps into Jim Carrey's sizeable overalls as a portly Cable installing prodigy! He'll install the Food Network in your place and then slip into a diabetic coma on your couch. Woah.

B) Liar Liar 2: Liar Liar Liar Liar

With his pa in the pen for purgery (possible tag line?) Josh Flitter continues his father's legacy as a lawyer that can't lie. He can't lie about his age, his height, or shopping at Big & Not So Tall. Hilarity.

C) The Truman Capote Show

Get this, it's the Truman Show meets Capote! Flitter plays Truman Capote, who on the success of his award-winning book In Cold Blood buys a tropical island for himself (they were heaps cheap back then, you know). The only problem is that the island is from the future! And it's inhabitated by the cast of Lost! And is being filmed for a primetime reality show! How will these two tribes live side by side? If ruining one film wasn't enough to make you weep like you just killed a puppy, then how about dephiling TWO films!?

D) Other

Josh Flitter plays Jim Carrey's _____ , but this time he has to ____ and throughout a ____ poops on him. I smell a winner.

Get voting!!

Reason #152 Why Flitter Is Like The Best Person In The World

Reason #152 Why Flitter Is Like The Best Person In The World: He sticks with his bros!

News has just come in that Josh Flitter's old acting buddy, Shia LaBeuof has been involved in a rather serious car accident. Obviously these are testing times for our main squeeze, the Flitz, as he and his pal Shia had something of a 'Bromance'. Nothing suss, because we've learnt from endless reports that Josh is something of a ladykiller, but Shia and Josh are incredibly tight.

Josh's representation issued this statement about the unfortunate events.

"Josh is just devestated to hear of Shia's accident. Of course Flitterelli
warned Shia about the dangers of alcohol because Josh himself has faced his own
vice-demons in the past, specifically, his addiction to weight gain powder. Dark
times. But Shia was there through Josh's pain and the bouts of abuse, and
likewise Josh will be there to nurse Shia through this. Shia will need the
tender embrace and soft teet he has found in JF, and we all know that Josh is
caring and, if nothing else, STACKED."

Our prayers are with these two bosom buddies.

Flitter Freaks Q&A #1: Is Flitter Single?

Since launching Flitter Freaks, I've been inundated with a slew of fresh Freaks crawling out of the wood work to learn more about our well rounded prince, Josh Flitter. And one thing that I'm eventually asked is whether or not Josh Flitter is single. While I can't give a 100% confirmed answer to this burning question, I've got a hunch that the answer is PROBABLY.

There've been plenty of chicas knocking at JF's front and/or back door requesting some hot lovin' from this plus-sized casanova, that's certainly true. Much like those other Hollywood hunks Flitter is lumped in with (see: Hartnet, Pitt, Clooney, Akroyd), Josh has had his fair share of rumoured romances with starlets. First up was Emma Roberts who Josh hooked up with on the set of Nancy Drew. Things reportedly heated up between Roberts and our portly hero, the two forming a tight bond on the shoot. Want proof? Look no further non believer. This was an outtake where Josh fell down and was unable to stand up by himself, Emma came rushing to his side, concerned for her new stud.

Then the Flitter Bomb went head long into his next conquest, Mandy Moore. This rumoured relationship took place on the comedy smash License To Wed. Sources remain tight lipped about the steamy couple, but no one could deny the obvious chemistry as the pair shared a family bucket of original recipe chicken.

Yet both flames dwindled quite quickly and Josh is likely still taking up considerable space on the singles market. Who knows if our Flitter will ever find true love, but if there are any ladies out there who like what they see and want to ride the Flitter Express then take this tip and start familiarising yourselves with his core interests. Josh likes escelators, lifts, wheels of cheese, the kids works at Pizza Hut and those stupid shoes with the wheels in them.

What a catch.

AVJ Update! New Edition

The Flitter goodness keeps rolling in folks, one of my sources on the set of Ace Ventura Junior has managed to obtain a copy of the teaser poster for AVJ and snuck me out this scan. Looks hot right? Check out those milky white legs. All Flitter.



I think the poster succeeds in forecasting everything that we expect (and want!) in AVJ, that being burping/farting, hawaiian shirts, novelty slippers and a torso-less Josh Flitter. OMG who's excited???

Are You A Flitter Freak?

I know I am. And thankfully the Flitter gospel is spreading faster than that crazy monkey virus in Outbreak (is it just me or would Josh be perfect for an ill-considered comedy sequel?? Spring Outbreak, anyone?).

I think all Flitter Freaks out there should speak up. Leave a love note to JF in the comments, "Hi, my name is Blake McGlutzky* and I am a Flitter Freak." Shia LaBeouf is a recently outed Flitter Freak as we discovered with this candid image. Two titans of Young Hollywood collide!

Confess your Freak!

*Fake name