Thursday, October 23, 2008
While we can't get a new Evan Almighty film every year, we can count on Josh Flitter finding the best and most unrelentingly conservative scripts in the game!
Pollsters are already giving favourable odds for Flitter to take out next year's CAMIE's with Ace Ventura Junior (AVJ). I'm predicting a clean sweep, including best actor/crusader of the light, best unnecessary sequel, best on-screen fart, best anti-muslim overtones.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Hollywood is actually ablaze with gossip about Josh Flitter. This past week he's been cavorting about town in usual JF style; a 40-Ouncer in one hand, shotgun on his back, out of his mind on Lucky Charms, generally being a Hollywood bad-boy and getting in a few rounds of strip-miniature golf with Gary Busey.
Monday, September 29, 2008
We must never lose hope, we must never lose sight of our dreams. We must never lose weight.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
A sturdy, basic Hawaiian shirt. And it doubles as a camoflauge if you're standing next to leaves. Nice, eh?
I like this one the most becuase it reminds me of Hawaii. I've never been there but I'm a big supporter of ethnic stereotypes y'know.
You a bit quirky? Want to wear a Hawaiian shirt but don't want to look like everyone else with a loose fitting shirt emblazoned with prints of flowers/surfboards/beaches/palm trees? Well Mr Fashion Honkey, this is the one for you. Get this, it's got cars and chicks on it. I think it's a replica of the Gucci designed shirt that George Clooney wore to Cannes.
This one is simple yet effective at making you look dumb. Easy!
I hope that helps guys. We've gotta be there for Flitter, wearing our Friday bests! I know it's a big deal to all of us, so let's just try and take some inspiration from another fullsome fashionista, Ryan Maloney aka Jarrod 'Toadfish' Vincenzo Ribecchi. He dresses himself you know. It's a clause in his contract. No wonder Steph Scully put out for him.
I can only speculate as to whether this is Ace Ventura Senior Senior or an unidentified geriatric to be harvested for Josh's catering requirements. Mmm, tastes Soylent Greeny!
Those piercing green eyes, that creepy, tattered 'Ace Wave', definitely a Ventura progeny. It certainly brings into question how literally Ace Snr. heard his 'Call Of The Wild'. You were thinking it.
So y'all wanna do a midnight camp out in front of Chatswood Blockbuster come January '09?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
No your eyes don't lie! There is so much wrong with this picture. For starters, that's a medium thick shake in Josh's hands, not the Double XL Bladder-Buster he's usually found with. And it also shows Josh hanging ten with a rag-tag band of urban pirates. The worst kind of pirates. Who knows what kind of mess these concrete crawling marauders have gotten Josh into. For all we know Josh and this posse could've been robbing costume shops all over the city and making soccer mums walk the plank. Sure the plank would be flat on the ground but I'd still be worried about the spate of rolled ankles which resulted from this kind of rough-housing.
Josh, I know you're gunning for that Waterworld sequel just as much as the rest of us, but this is not the way to make it happen.
I beg you, come back to us.
Come back to me.
Dave (Freak #1.)
Monday, September 1, 2008
It's come to my attn that Josh is regretting his role in Ace Ventura 3: Ace Ventura Jr. I know we're sad about this and concerned about Flitty's mental state, so I figured I'd take it up with all da Freaks out there. What should Josh do next? We gotta get him out of this funk, y'all.
So direct your eyes to the poll across the way and get voting on Josh's next project. Would you like to see JF do King Ralph II? Or maybe a Brokeback sequel with Josh as a chunky farm-hand who feels funny in the pants when his cousin Brody shears sheep in the buff. Script is in the works...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Anyway, if you've got any birthday messages for JF, send them through! I'll be passing them along to him when I do my weekly post to him. Last week I sent him a roasted boar. I bet he luvvvved it! HEE HEH!
Happy Birthday you little sack of sugar! I made you a card.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Shit. Look at this. Spencer Breslin goes bald for the new kids comedy Harold. It should have been Flitter!! GAHH!
You just wait until Flitter's death blow in the inevitable Jumanji 2: The Return Of The 'Manji! Just wait!
Monday, August 11, 2008
He supposedly has a great 'fart tone' preset on his Roland sampler.
Sure they broke up, but they would really make something anthemic and weighty for the movie. And we know that the Flitter-Bomb is exactly that.
Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band
Nothing says zoological comedy like Rollercoaster. In fact it screams it.
The Guy Who Wrote Tubthumping
Could we possibly get a re-record of that and change the words to 'he eats a ham roll, he eatsn a bacon roll, he eats a sausage roll, he eats a chicken whole'? Jus' sayin'.
Monday, August 4, 2008
But no matter, Flitter's got more than enough four-legged pals to accompany him on many clunky Tim Allen-esque capers! Let's take a look at some of them in a little segment we like to call Flitter's Fury Friends: Josh With Animals.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Here's a sample email from our dear reader Bernice (aka Flitter Freak #31).
"Hi Head Freak,I don't blame Bernice for her frantic mood, this was a difficult image to look at. But thankfully I have good news! For all of us out there who model ourselves on Josh Flitter we need not start pummelling every baby we see, no, apparently it was a doll. Phew! Allegedly, Josh got a bad vibe from the doll on the set of License To Wed, this was confirmed when Flitterelli then saw the aforementioned 'doll' staring, wide-eyed at the buffet table specifically reserved for our hungry hunk. Bitch deserved it.
I woke up today with Josh on the brain. He was the first thing I saw (since I've just mounted that JF blow-up glamour shot on my bedroom roof), he was the first thing I touched (Josh Flitter Ltd Edition hair brush - with pure camel hair), and he was the first thing I ate (I'm still holding onto those cartons of discontinued JF's cereal 'Flitter-Os'). But I was shocked to see this image pop up in my inbox this morning! What does it mean? Did Josh really kick a baby? What's happened to my hero?
Flitter Freak #31"
Rest easy guys, our Josh is still a hero.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
See the options - complete with probably synopsis' - below and then get voting!!
A) The Cable Kid
Flitter steps into Jim Carrey's sizeable overalls as a portly Cable installing prodigy! He'll install the Food Network in your place and then slip into a diabetic coma on your couch. Woah.
B) Liar Liar 2: Liar Liar Liar Liar
With his pa in the pen for purgery (possible tag line?) Josh Flitter continues his father's legacy as a lawyer that can't lie. He can't lie about his age, his height, or shopping at Big & Not So Tall. Hilarity.
C) The Truman Capote Show
Get this, it's the Truman Show meets Capote! Flitter plays Truman Capote, who on the success of his award-winning book In Cold Blood buys a tropical island for himself (they were heaps cheap back then, you know). The only problem is that the island is from the future! And it's inhabitated by the cast of Lost! And is being filmed for a primetime reality show! How will these two tribes live side by side? If ruining one film wasn't enough to make you weep like you just killed a puppy, then how about dephiling TWO films!?
Josh Flitter plays Jim Carrey's _____ , but this time he has to ____ and throughout a ____ poops on him. I smell a winner.
Reason #152 Why Flitter Is Like The Best Person In The World: He sticks with his bros!
News has just come in that Josh Flitter's old acting buddy, Shia LaBeuof has been involved in a rather serious car accident. Obviously these are testing times for our main squeeze, the Flitz, as he and his pal Shia had something of a 'Bromance'. Nothing suss, because we've learnt from endless reports that Josh is something of a ladykiller, but Shia and Josh are incredibly tight.
Josh's representation issued this statement about the unfortunate events.
"Josh is just devestated to hear of Shia's accident. Of course Flitterelli
warned Shia about the dangers of alcohol because Josh himself has faced his own
vice-demons in the past, specifically, his addiction to weight gain powder. Dark
times. But Shia was there through Josh's pain and the bouts of abuse, and
likewise Josh will be there to nurse Shia through this. Shia will need the
tender embrace and soft teet he has found in JF, and we all know that Josh is
caring and, if nothing else, STACKED."
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Drawing it back to Flitter, I've heard that our hunk of chunk Josh Flitter has already jumped at the script for a sequel for Yes Man, which transplants the lolz to Compton for a fish-out-of-water comedy caper, where JF plays a young kid whose family moves to a more urban setting. It's called Yeh Boi! Here's some sample dialogue.
Ghetto Kid #24: "Fool, u lo0kyn at my woman?"
Josh Flitter: "Yes."
GK24: "Watt the hell bitch? You wan' this ol' dog to bust yo' ass up with my bag o' roxx?"
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
There've been plenty of chicas knocking at JF's front and/or back door requesting some hot lovin' from this plus-sized casanova, that's certainly true. Much like those other Hollywood hunks Flitter is lumped in with (see: Hartnet, Pitt, Clooney, Akroyd), Josh has had his fair share of rumoured romances with starlets. First up was Emma Roberts who Josh hooked up with on the set of Nancy Drew. Things reportedly heated up between Roberts and our portly hero, the two forming a tight bond on the shoot. Want proof? Look no further non believer. This was an outtake where Josh fell down and was unable to stand up by himself, Emma came rushing to his side, concerned for her new stud.
Then the Flitter Bomb went head long into his next conquest, Mandy Moore. This rumoured relationship took place on the comedy smash License To Wed. Sources remain tight lipped about the steamy couple, but no one could deny the obvious chemistry as the pair shared a family bucket of original recipe chicken.
Yet both flames dwindled quite quickly and Josh is likely still taking up considerable space on the singles market. Who knows if our Flitter will ever find true love, but if there are any ladies out there who like what they see and want to ride the Flitter Express then take this tip and start familiarising yourselves with his core interests. Josh likes escelators, lifts, wheels of cheese, the kids works at Pizza Hut and those stupid shoes with the wheels in them.
What a catch.
I think the poster succeeds in forecasting everything that we expect (and want!) in AVJ, that being burping/farting, hawaiian shirts, novelty slippers and a torso-less Josh Flitter. OMG who's excited???
Monday, July 21, 2008
I think all Flitter Freaks out there should speak up. Leave a love note to JF in the comments, "Hi, my name is Blake McGlutzky* and I am a Flitter Freak." Shia LaBeouf is a recently outed Flitter Freak as we discovered with this candid image. Two titans of Young Hollywood collide!
Confess your Freak!
Watch it on YouTube.
[Yeah I promise I'll make you famous baby...]
But for now we're all waiting with baited breath to see how he resurrects the Ace Ventura franchise in the upcoming sure-fire smash Ace Ventura Jr. People are yapping about Heath Ledger's turn as the Joker. Pfft. I'm expecting nothing short of a transformative tour-de-force when our chunderous beau, Josh Flitter, dons that famous quiff and Hawaiian shirt.